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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
There are many possibilities but only one true
answer!
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of
the road.
Ludwig van Beethoven: What? Speak up.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack. Ppthpt.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own
chicken-nature.
George HW Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points
of headlights.
George W Bush: They misunderestimated the
exemplorary positivitude of the chicken.
Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
"chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the
most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean
achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a
remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The fish.
Jacques Derrida: What is the *difference*? The chicken
was merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get
the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of
language?
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it
was dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
T.S. Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
T.S. Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it
transcended it.
Epicurus: For fun.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole
principle.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from
Barcelona.
Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give
the full explanation.
Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and
couldn't stop its forward momentum.
Michel Foucault: It did so because the course of
crossing the road left it no choice; the police state was oppressing it.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look
at me, and, thank goodness, I am still good-looking, dahling.
Bill Gates: I will soon release eChicken 3000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken
had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken
would be lost. The chicken would be lost!
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle
made it do it.
Al Gore: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the
road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion
and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the
other side of the road.
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
James Joyce: Once upon a time, a nicens little chicken
named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...
James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the
uncreated conscience of its race.
Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.
Martin Luther King: It had a dream. It
envisioned a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
Captain James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.
Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for *object a*.
Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened
the run.
Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the
road was made for it to cross.
John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Rush Limbaugh: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll
bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet
someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of
this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their
tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money
the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose,
polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time
continuum.
Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road
because one side and the other are not really opposites in the first
place.
Paul de Man (uncovered after his death): So no one would
find out it wrote for a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the
early years of World War II.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about
chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost
divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class
struggle.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken
that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road
doth so for its own preservation.
Ralph Nader: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had
been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach
the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed
by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?
Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens
in motion tend to cross the road.
Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.
Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other
side of the road.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.
Carl Rodgers: Why do _you_ think the chicken crossed the
road?
Roy Rodgers: To find the happy trails!
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na
functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I
could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner
druggist.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Martha Stewart: If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would
be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could
arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not
have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common
chickens.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too!
Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good
night.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately. And suck all
the marrow out of life
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly
exaggerated.
Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of
how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.
George Washington: Actually, it crossed the Delaware
with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked
with a birdie during the duration.
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in
tranquility.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Henny Youngman: Take this chicken...please.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other
side.
But really - the true reason the
chicken crossed the road was:
To avoid the First Baptist Church of Greater
Toledo
Chicken Barbeque!
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